Hello. I am "Operative Isaac”) of the Global Occult Coalition's Extraterrestrial Entities Division. I was recently injured during the liquidation of an extradimensional entity (We’ll get to those later) and while recovering, I have decided to compile a series of guides to help new operatives hold their own against the numerous entities they may face during their career.
For this first guide, I will be discussing Extraterrestrial Entities and how best to deal with them.
It is vitally important that you know this. There are millions and millions of planets in the universe, and thousands of them are capable of supporting life. With Extraterrestrial Entities, there are no common forms. An Extraterrestrial Entity that finds itself on Earth could be a small, defenseless herbivore or a vicious predator with ten arms that can rip you apart in the blink of an eye. Sometimes, these two can be the same thing.
You have to understand that other planets are not Earth. I am not calling you stupid, but it is easy to fall into the trap of assuming that biology has rules. These rules apply on Earth. As their name implies, Extraterrestrial Entities are not from Earth. For reasons we don’t understand, the nature of their home planet may have made it necessary for them to evolve with explosive blood or corrosive skin.
The first step to defeating an enemy is to understand your enemy and to understand an Extraterrestrial Entity; you will need to adapt your way of thinking to whatever you know about the entity.
Rules of Engagement
To begin this section, let me tell you about Operative S (“Simon”), who I’m sure most of you have heard of. Operative S is a sort of icon for the Coalition, a standard that all new operatives are to aspire to. I haven’t heard much talk of how he was finally killed, however, and I feel it presents an important lesson regarding Extraterrestrial Entities.
Operative S was sent with a squad of fellow operatives to engage a man-eating blob which had crash-landed in India. They were having some trouble engaging the thing, seeing as it had some magnetic qualities. So their guns were gone and Operative S gets the smart idea to pick up a brick and try to bludgeon the thing. Don’t know why, maybe it had some sort of psychic influence, maybe he just got cocky.
More to the point, as soon as that brick touched the blob, it exploded, killing Operative S and his squad. The blob survived, and another squad later liquidated it by pouring orange juice on it.
This is a demonstration of two important lessons: do not try and be a hero when dealing with an Extraterrestrial Entity, and try everything on the Extraterrestrial Entity (Except being a hero, of course.) Keep at a distance when dealing with an Extraterrestrial Entity. It’s a lot harder for the thing to kill you if you’re not standing next to it. If the thing gets near to you, don’t try hitting it with a brick, just get the fuck out of there.
And when I say try everything, I mean everything. Hit it with every single thing you can think of. Urine, orange juice, cats. We once had an Extraterrestrial Entity that was allergic to peanuts. Turned it right into slime and the problem was solved.
The best situation you can hope for when engaging an Extraterrestrial Entity is a Crash Landing. The Extraterrestrial Entity will be wounded, if not killed, and whatever it used to get to Earth won’t be a problem. And remember, even if the thing looks damaged, it’s probably still able to kill you in very painful ways.
Take for example the Spidership, as I like to call it. I was on a mission in China, scoping out a Crash Landing for another squad to deal with. To test the damage, my buddy Operative R took a potshot at the craft. It got up on eighteen insectoid legs and spat some acid right on R’s face from about ten meters. Killed him near instantly, I hope. It took seven operatives to kill the thing.
Dealing with a Crash Landing is a very simple, very dangerous three-part process.
1. Scope out the area, find the Crash Landing.
2. Kill the Extraterrestrial Entity.
3. Blow up the craft, incinerate whatever’s left.
This is easier said than done, as most Extraterrestrial Entities do not want to be killed. Except for that one in Kentucky that got out of it’s craft and stabbed itself with its own eyes. You may be wondering how it did that, and if you are, you didn’t read Common Forms. Go back and read it.
Messing with the Body
Don’t mess with the body. This is important. Messing with the body involves getting near the body. If you get near the body, there is a large chance the body will kill you. So don’t mess with the fucking body.
Of course, if there is no option but to mess with the body, I do have some advice for you.
• Biohazard suits. You need these if you don’t want your face melted or worse. A guy I knew in Training caught a disease from a body, it made his organs climb out of his mouth and strangle him.
• You are an operative, not a doctor. Let the doctors stay near the body, it’s their job. Your job is to tell the doctors what to do. Say we need whatever passes for the Extraterrestrial Entities heart to, I don’t know, check it against another one we’ve got. You tell the doctors to get that heart and then you get as far away from them as you can.
• Take photographs, X-rays. Don’t go skinning the Extraterrestrial Entity to find out what it’s like inside. (As I said, corrosive skin.) You should think this is obvious, but I have seen tapes of many an unsuccessful autopsy and it’s a distressingly common mistake.
• Don’t mess with the body if you can avoid it.
So, that is my advice on dealing with Extraterrestrial Entities. I hope you all take this to heart and pass a copy onto your colleagues, as it’s not easy writing with a broken hand. Remember to keep your mind open and your legs ready to run. None of us like seeing rookies’ heads torn off by Extraterrestrial Entities. No need to thank me.